ohbladioblahblog

Went to the doctor today. I now hate going to the doctor. What humiliation and I paid good money for it!

First off, I get weighed. Not in the privacy of the exam room but in front of all the staff. Lovely. Could you speak a little louder when you shout out my weight? Thanks. The good news, I didn’t gain any. The bad news, I didn’t lose any either.)

Then for the urine sample. It’s the first one I have had to give since I had kids. How do I do this again? And of course, I have no urge to pee.

On to the exam room. Hmm…your blood pressure is a bit high. Gee I wonder why? OK, strip and put on the gown with the opening in the front and the NP will be along shortly. Oh here are some 2 year old magazines and a special on George Bush (Senior) on the tv.

So I wait on the table. And I wait. I should get my PDA and read. Oh I am sure as soon as I hop off this table, she will come. How long have I been waiting? No clock. OK, get the PDA and get back on the exam table. But it’s not that comfortable. Oh man! It’s been 20 minutes already.

Let me interrupt this story with a little tidbit about me. I have the patience of a gnat. Sure I may look calm on the outside but my mind is reeling and I am ready to run. Also, I seem to have a history of being left in exam rooms for too long.

I decide to leave once I have been here for 45 minutes. I didn’t want to be here anyway and I could save the money for something important like food. At 35 minutes, the NP comes in. She doesn’t seem apologetic at all. And then I notice how masculine she is. Oh my. What have a I done?

She does the questions and asks, What do you use for birth control? Um nothing. Are you sexually active? Well, I’m no nun but… Oh right, you are asking if I sleep with men and the answer is NO. I haven’t had a man in years! Sheesh. Oh pathetic can you get? I liked it better when I was asked Do you have need of birth control? That leaves it wide open. I could be a lesbian, or be having relations with someone shooting blanks. Or be happy on my own downloading internet porn but that doesn’t mean I am NOT sexually active.

Next is the breast exam and then she fetches the nurse so no hanky panky can be done without a witness. She says it looks like my period is about to start and don’t be surprise if she helped it along. Oh great. Then she warns me about the colon cancer screening. Huh? What? I thought that was at 50? No, at 40. The colonoscopies start at 50. Don’t worry, it won’t be bad. Uh, yeah, right. I have an exit only policy back there!

Finally we are done. Only $135 today. You saved $90 by paying today. Oh joy!

Now off to get Juice Boxes. But why do I feel nauseous? And are those cramps? Damn! I never felt this lousy after an exam. Maybe I should stick with male doctors?